Friends or not?

I love my friends more than anything, but have you ever had to fire a friend?  I did last summer. I tell my friends all the time how much they mean to me, so if you haven't heard this from me, you're on notice.

Sometimes I think there should be performance reviews like there are on jobs.  Goal setting, what needs working on, irritating habits, etc. The friendship  is "the company" and the conversation would go something like this.

"The company isn't pleased with your performance and think's you're not pulling your weight around here. Others have been compensating for your dullness/ obtuseness/ and using of others, and the company would like some changes.  No more, "oh thanks, I'll pay next time, I just don't have enough money this week" or "really, I need you to help me move." The company is not moving anymore.  The bar is closed.  If you won't keep your word, then we will promise you a raise and not pay up."  

Sometimes people let friendships slide or simply pray the person won't call anymore.  Isn't there some way we can submit a form telling them the friendship has been terminated?  I did it through texting. I know.  I'm a coward.  I fired a friend by text.  How 21st century of me.

But really, what other way is there?  You should just have to pull out your TBF (To Be Fired) form and fill out the blanks.  Actually a multiple choice checklist would be really handy.

- failed to return phone calls
-was always late
-failed to laugh at my jokes
-made instant coffee

This would avoid the unpleasantness of needing "closure."  Instead of "what happened?", you can say "please see the TBF form." Maybe people would monitor their behavior better if they new a review was coming up or maybe they would treat you like they do the dentist and just shape up close to the appointment. That might still be useful right?